Welcome to my humor about the media (including, print, television, radio, and social media.) I hope you'll enjoy the media related limericks, light verse, and other media humor by Madeleine Begun Kane.
Dear Jay Leno "I抦 on Team CoCo, as you can tell from my Conan-Leno talk show wars limerick. ..."
Go, Conan! "A limerick in honor of Conan O払rien抯 Solomon-like decision about the Tonight Show ..."
Telling Tiger To Convert Just Ain抰 Kosher "Up until now, I抳e avoided writing about Tiger Woods?serial philandering. But Brit Hume抯 outrageous comments leave me no choice. According to Hume, if Tiger Woods wants forgiveness, he must convert from Buddhism to Christianity. ..."
Dick Cheney抯 Steno Pool "Somebody please explain why the garbage and lies spewed by Richard Cheney are routinely treated like they抮e gospel. ..."
Ode To The Weatherman "A huge snow storm (perhaps even a blizzard) is about to descend on New York City and has already hit much of the east coast. And that means it抯 the weatherman抯 time in the sun. ..."
Fox Pundits At Sea 揊ox News 損undit?rants always look foolish, especially when they抮e packed with gleeful predictions of Democratic failures. And most especially when their predictions turn out to be dramatically wrong. ...?
Dogged Journalism 揂t long last, we have an answer to these burning questions: What kind of dog will Obama get daughters Malia and Sasha, and when will he get it? ...?
Ode To AP's Ron Fournier 揂fter President Obama抯 outstanding performance during his second primetime press conference, the AP抯 Ron Fournier had some column inches to fill. So, what words of wisdom did he share in his 'news analysis'? Obama really 'likes to have [his words] up on the Teleprompter.' ...?
Ode To The Laughter-Police 揑 could have sworn that Obama抯 60 Minutes interview was both serious and informative. But I guess that抯 what happens when you watch something yourself, instead of relying on press accounts. ...?
Ode To Ari Fleischer 揟he stream of deceit that came pouring out of Ari Fleischer抯 belligerent mouth during his Chris Matthews?interview must surely have set some sort of record. ...?
Irony Has At Least Seven More Lives 揙nce again, the media is debating the purported death of irony. Nine-eleven killed it the last time, and this year抯 culprit is Barack Obama. Lucky for humorists (and their readers), irony apparently has a cat-like nine lives. ...?
Ode To David Frum "David Frum, infamous for fathering (or at least taking credit for fathering) the phrase 揂xis of Evil,?took on the wrong person last night. I抦 referring, of course, to Rachel Maddow. ..."
A Humorist抯 Lament "By now, everyone抯 surely seen Barry Blitt抯 New Yorker cover, depicting Barack Obama as a flag-burning, bin Laden-loving, fist-bumping Muslim. Intended to satirize 揟he Politics of Fear,?the image is being widely criticized as reinforcing the very stereotypes it seeks to mock. ..."
War Inc. Interruptus "In a parallel universe, Monday night抯 New York Film Academy screening of John Cusack抯 War, Inc. was great, as was the Rachel Maddow-moderated Q & A that followed the screening. Back on earth, however, the screening didn抰 go quite so well. In fact ?it barely went at all. ..."
Why Are These Journalists Smiling? (Limerick) "I抳e noticed that many reporters and talking heads are almost giddy over Hillary Clinton抯 recent stumbles and the rumored return of Barack Obama抯 mojo. ..."
Chick Flick Flack (Limerick)
"When a film抯 called a chick flick, it抯 meant
To appeal to most women. How bent! ..."
Television Nightmares "Do you want to lose weight? Then I recommend that you watch Gordon Ramsay抯 new Fox show Kitchen Nightmares during dinner. As the good Gordon might (and often does) say, 'Oh my God!' ..."
Petraeus and Crocker Face Hume Humiliation "I had to laugh when I heard about Brit Hume抯 exclusive Fox interview with General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker 揳bout the state of the Iraq war and their testimony to Congress.?What抯 the matter ?wasn抰 Hannity available? ..."
O'Donnell v. The Donald "Have you heard about the Rosie O扗onnell vs. Donald Trump feud? Yeah ?like you could possibly avoid it. Those publicity-mongers deserve a limerick, don抰 you think? ..."
Why I Won抰 Use What抯-Her-Name抯 Name Anymore "Here抯 a good story about the hate-filled, bigoted venom directed at John Edwards, which was recently spewed by a person whose name I will no longer mention, because it only encourages her. ..."
Jenna Bush, Author? "In a move sure to aggravate unagented (and poorly agented) authors, Jenna Bush has scored a high-powered literary agent ?Robert Barnett. ..."
Ode To The Great Molly Ivins "Alas, the magnificent Molly Ivins has died. To call her a great wit and outstanding journalist would be an understatement. She has always been an inspiration to me and to every other liberal I know who tries to write political satire. ..."
Tabloid Times "It's only May 2006, and the New York Times is already doing trashy, tabloid-style coverage of the Clintons. What's the matter, New York Times? You didn't have a juicy Iran-war-inducing story to plant on your cover page? ..."
Ode to the Leaker-In-Chief "The latest revelation
In the Scooter Libby case,
Is that when it comes to leaking,
Georgie Dub is quite the ace..."
Press Filter Follies (Dubya's Anti-Media Poem)
"An evil filter is the press.
They lie and say Iraq's a mess.
Though things are going great down there,
You'll never hear it on the air."
Bush Says The Words (To be sung to "I Write The Songs")
"I say the words that other people write.
Don't give a damn if they are wrong or right.
As long as folks think war is justified.
I say the words, I say the words..."
Spinmeister (To be sung to the tune of "Matchmaker" from "Fiddler on the Roof")
"Spinmeister, spinmeister, spin me some spin,
Write me a line, win me a win.
Spinmeister, spinmeister, search through your brain
And spin me some 9-1-1 spin..."
Faking Contrition - Song Parody (Sing to "Waltzing Matilda")
Cheney feels bad that he shot his good friend.
If you don't buy his story, you're a lib'ral Democrat.
Leave him alone. This harassment must end..."
Bill O'Reilly's Faux War On Christmas Song Parody (Sing to "Get Me To The Church On Time")
"Bill says we're waging war on Christmas,
Spouting another Fox News lie.
Bill's rarely proper.
Loves telling whoppers.
Ain't nothing that his fans won't buy..."
Ode To Bob Woodward "Bob Woodward had an ax to grind
When Plamegate he critiqued.
We've finally learned that Woodward
Was the first to get that leak.
He failed to tell his audience..."
The Judy Miller Quartet (of Limericks) (Four limericks about Judy Miller, The New York Times and the Plamegate investigation)
"Ms. Miller has written her tale,
And as tales go, it's rather a whale.
Her memory's convenient,
On Libby she's lenient..."
Two Crackpot Pats "A broadcasting preacher named Pat,
Who quite frequently talks through his hat..."
Novak Sacked? "The pundit who blew Val Plame's cover,
And who's far from a Democrat lover..."
Cover Girl Coulter "The hate-spewing "pundit" named Ann,
On Time's cover did manage to land..."
Guilt Springs Eternal "Spring has arrived. Do you feel guilty yet? If not, you apparently don't read women's magazines. Every March and April they're packed with "clean up and organize your life" articles. Stories with catchy titles like Spring Into Action -- Tidy Up Your House. Or Wash Away Winter Blues. Or Banish Clutter Now; Otherwise We'll Keep Torturing You With Articles Meant to Make you Feel Like A Slothful Bum. Personally, I'd rather read Why Clean? It Will Only Get Dirty Again Tomorrow..."
When Radio Interviews Go Wrong "Every so often, radio talk shows give up their quest for amusing guests and interview me instead. I always welcome the opportunity to be exposed to a 4:30 a.m. audience of roughly eleven people..."
Top Secret Debate Contract Addendum "As most people know by now, President Bush and Senator Kerry have signed on to a 32 page debate agreement. But few are aware that they also signed a secret addendum to that agreement. Fortunately, www.kx169.com has an exclusive copy of that secret addendum, provided by a DC insider whom I will identify only as Debate Throat..."
www.kx169.com Hires An Ombudsman For years I've been flooded with emails challenging the accuracy of www.kx169.com. At first I did what most publications do -- I ignored them. But as time went by, I realized that something had to be done. So in keeping with recent trends and in the interest of sound journalism, I've appointed an ombudsman who'd like to be known only as "Bud." Here is Bud's first report...
Ode to the F-Word I couldn't resist waxing poetic about Vice President Dick Cheney's little temper tantrum and the media's reaction...
The Fair & Balanced Song Parody (To be sung to the tune of "Love and Marriage")
"Fair and balanced,
Fair and balanced.
Empty slogans, rabid views, and shrill rants.
Fox calls critics liars.
O'Reilly's filled with angst and ire..."
Ode To Feisty Franken "Ferocious Franken,
Feisty Al's our man.
He'll tackle hecklers sans battle plan..."
What, Me Lie? "I shouldn't have been surprised by the fact checker's call. Yet another columnist (this one in Arizona) has been accused of making stuff up..."
Almanacs of Evil "If you dare to use an almanac,
The Feds are on your case.
You may swear you're not a maniac,
But charges you could face..."
St. Reagan's Song (to be sung to "Just You Wait" from "My Fair Lady")
"He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint!
You'll be sorry if you dare to say, he ain't.
A fine bloke who's kind and cunning,
Beat the Russians, great with money.
He's a saint, Ronald Reagan, he's a saint..."
Ode to the Barbed Bushes "George Dubya's mom goes on TV
To plug her book and whine.
She brags about her Forty-three.
Says Dems shouldn't Dub malign."
The Traitorgate Song (to be sung to "I Write The Songs" by Barry Manilow)
"The scandal started with a Niger lie
About nuke matter Saddam never did buy.
But Dubya would not let that falsehood die.
It's Traitorgate, it's Traitorgate..."
The Traitor Tune (to be sung to "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain")
"If you criticize the White House, you're a fool.
Nothing more than an Al Qaeda pal and tool.
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House,
If you criticize the White House, you're a fool..."
Ari, Ari (To be sung to "Monday, Monday")
"Ari, Ari, Please don't leave me.
Ari, Ari, You were all I hoped you would be.
Oh, Ari, Ari, Ari, Ari, please guarantee
Through reelection you will still be here with me..."
"Traitor" Chicks Serenade (To be sung to "Lollipop")
"Call 'em Traitor Dixie Chicks, tell you why,
Insulting Bush besmirches apple pie.
So when they try to sing and play and dance,
Man, they haven't got a chance..."
The Rummy Poem Slate Missed "Don Rumsfeld wants some muting
Of news that he's disputing
And photos he's refuting,
Cause we've won every fray..."
Disinfo Ode "Are we being misled
By reporters embed
Spewing info spoon-fed?
Is the truth being shred..."
Dubya Quote Quiz Can you tell the difference between a satirical Dubya quote and the real enchilada? Take the first annual Dubya Quote Quiz and see.
Trent Lott's Lot "Said good ol' boy Trent,
Just what I meant.
'Twas but a toast to a friend,
Cause he still is not yet dead..."
Mad Kane's Diary "10:45 a.m. Another late start on this week's column. That's what I get for surfing every night until 3:00 a.m..."
Weblog Wonderland (To be sung to "Winter Wonderland")
"Bloggers zing, are you list'nin'?
Some are vain, some are bristlin'.
The left and the right
Are happy tonight.
Surfin' in a weblog wonderland..."
Bloggers' Rhapsody (To be sung to "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" by George & Ira Gershwin)
"You praise my weblog
And I'll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I'll link to your blog
Weblog, Your blog, Weblog, Your blog,
Let's call the whole thing off.
You laud my rampage On Bush's last outrage.
You say I'm so sage,
Go check out my web page..."
I Read The News Each Day, Oh Boy (To be sung to the tune of "A Day In The Life" by Lennon/McCartney)
"I read the news each day, oh boy
About a President who got poor grades.
Of course the news is mostly sad
Though one thing made me laugh
The chewing gum photograph..."
Sounding Off "I really hope my neighbors hate classical music..."
Hey Hughes (To be sung to the tune of "Hey Jude")
"Hey Hughes, don't leave DC.
Take a sad Bush and make me better.
Remember I need you cause you're so smart,
Then you can start to make me better..."
Publishing Suffers Another Blow "In the wake of Oprah's announcement that she's terminating her popular book club, the publishing industry has sustained yet another crushing blow: Mad Kane, Dubya Channeler & host of www.kx169.com, has announced that she will not launch a book club. 'I thought long and hard about this,' Mad Kane said, 'because public figures have a responsibility to encourage reading. Plus President Bush seems to think reading is good, and failing to support any Bush mission is, arguably, a terrorist act...'"
Five Foot Ten (To be sung to the tune of "Five Foot Two")
"Five foot ten, great at spin,
But oh! she's tougher than most men.
Has anybody seen my gal?
Striking pose, scares my foes,
There's no end to what she knows.
Has anybody seen my gal..."
Comics' Relief: Late Night Comedians Begin Group Therapy "In the wake of the terrorist attacks on the United States, political humor has virtually disappeared, replaced by patriotic platitudes. Deprived of their customary targets, late night TV talk show hosts are at their wits' end, struggling to find a new humorous voice that entertains without offending. So it's not surprising that Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, and Bill Maher have sought comic relief in group therapy. Here's the transcript of their first joint therapy session, leaked to me by someone I'll simply call Deep Doc..."
Pick On Me "Dear DoS Guys: You've been busy lately making trouble for Yahoo, eBay, Amazon, and a bunch of other big league sites. You guys (Is it sexist for me to assume you're guys?) are really good..."
Pumped About The Web "I have great news for all you multi-taskers and for people who think pumping gas is a bore: Any day now, your local service station may be equipped with a combination gas pump/Web browser. That way you'll be able to surf hot sites and scan your spam while breathing in gasoline fumes..."
Held Up By Music-On-Hold "According to a recent study done by The Institute To Get Press Coverage By Conducting Studies, men's preferred phone-on-hold music is classical. Excuse me? Have you ever seen a man remain on hold long enough to hear more than three notes of anything? How many men do you know who can..."
Bugged By Ads "If you saw what looked like an insect on your television screen, what weapon would you reach for? A wad of tissues, perhaps? Okay, let's make the bug more menacing than your average house invader -- let's make it a cockroach. I'm guessing you'd grab a sacrificial magazine, roll it up, and take a swing at the screen. A swing strong enough to demolish the roach (you hope), while leaving your TV set more or less intact..."
Election News Alert "Health care professionals throughout the United States are bracing for a severe outbreak of National Election Withdrawal Syndrome..."
Net Radio Blues "It's time for an embarrassing confession: I don't have cable TV or, for that matter, a microwave oven. I'd like to think I compensate by being the proud owner of one laptop and 2 PCs. But that's small comfort when I'm faced with frozen pizza..."
A Clueless Chat "I'm pleased to announce the launch of MadKane Chats. This exciting new series will feature online interviews with people so starved for publicity, they return my calls..."
A Tale of Two Engines "I've been hearing great things about Ask Jeeves and its question answering approach to search engine queries. So I decided to consult Jeeves about a car problem -- an engine noise that nobody's been able to fix. Here's how my consultation went..."